face to face with the monster

hey guys.

before i begin, i need to say a few things. i know that i've been asking for prayer for the last 3 months, and not been able to give many details. let me explain. this monster that i have been fighting, was a very personal matter that involved more than just myself. that is why i can't give details about it. to do that would deeply hurt someone, and that, i cannot do, so i ask for your forgiveness and patience.

for a long time now, i have had serious issues with a certain person. God has been dealing with my heart about this for sometime. i have tried to be forgiving, i have tried to let the past be in the past. i have tried all that i know to do. but deep inside of me, lies bitterness and hatred, and hurt that, no matter how hard i tried, i just couldn't be freed from. it seemed that no matter how desperately i prayed or how sincere i was in my resolve, i just couldn't be free.

i know what you're thinking, "hey, you're a minister. how can you be like that?" well, honestly, i've asked myself the same thing many times. some hurts go so deep that no matter how godly you are, you still struggle with grace, mercy and forgiveness. what can i say? Oh wretched man that i am? i'm not trying to justify myself. but, i am saying that i'm not trying to hold on to these things. i desperately want to be free from it. and i appreciate everyone's prayers.

now, i have to ask all of my friends. which one of you was praying for me between 6 and 7 p.m. on friday night Nov. 9?

on friday night, my family and i went out to celebrate my birthday (it's actually on this coming wednesday, but we're busy that night). when we got to the resteraunt, we signed in and stood off to the side to wait to be seated. right then, the object of my torment came in. then stood next to me.

my heart fell to the floor. there i was with my wife and children. all i wanted to do was to reach out and, well, i don't really know what i wanted to do. but i'm sure it wouldn't have reflected well on my good christian name.

then, the host was nice enough to seat us in such a place that when i looked up from my table, i was face to face with the monster that i have been wrestling with. i decided to go to the restroom. then, realized that to do this, i had to go right past him.

it took a few minutes to restore myself. when i came back, my wife asked if we should go. but i told her no because i really felt that God had to be doing something, because it had been about 10 years since the last time. have you ever wondered why God thinks you are stronger than you do?

anyway, they left. my family and i tried to finish the evening in better moods.

later that night, lying in bed. my wife and i cried and prayed together. i really can't express how much stronger she makes me. but today, i woke up feeling like a new man.

i must say, i think with some degree of certainty, that if the monster isn't dead, he has definately been defeated. i think that the only way to win, was for God to put me face to face. i had to see for myself that he couldn't hurt me anymore. had to know that i was safe. that my family was safe.

there are a lot of things that have to be left out to protect others. many things said and done that would help you to understand. but just know this. i could not have won this battle without your help. i could never have come face to face with the monster and walked out unscathed if i hadn't had friends praying for me. i believe that the battle is over. i believe that victory is finally mine. i believe that the effectual ferverant prayers of the righteous have availed much. i believe that i have true friends who each kept their words and prayed for me, that God would give me strength. and i am more thankful to you than words could ever express.

i have finally come face to face with the monster, and i am no longer afraid.

i love you all.

God bless.
O.