why?

why? why me? why us? why does this have to happen now?

ever asked any of these questions? i know i have. and, i'm going to be honest with you. i don't have the answers. in fact, for the most part, i'm not any closer to the truth than i was 15 years ago.

here's the deal. about 4 weeks ago, we discovered that my wife is pregnant. this was unplanned. a total shock. we actually had just decided for me to make an appointment to end the possibility. we even sold the high chair. (dang) at first, i was asking God, why? why now? this is terrible timing. i mean really, i'll be like 53 years old when this one graduates. i was half way done!!!!!

ok, i have to admit, after the shock wore off, i was excited. happy. even kinda stupid-new-dad-giddy! and the reality started to sink in.

then, on wednesday night, my wife started having some bleeding issues. i quickly did the math, she is now 9 weeks pregnant. that is how far she was when we lost our first daughter. we called the doctor and they set up an ultrasound for thursday.

when we got in, they brought it up on the screen. i saw 2. the first thought that i had was, WOW, OMG!!!!! how do twins get through birth control? then, i noticed that i couldn't find a heartbeat. and also that 1 was much smaller than the other.

well, we were givin the news. we were going to have twins, but 1 of them didn't make it. it just wasn't strong enough. but the other was strong and healthy. finally got to see the heartbeat!!!!!!

so, this is where i am now. how am i suppose to feel? i'm heartbroken about the one, but rejoicing for the other.

in my thoughts over the last few weeks, here are some of the things on my mind. i have a good friend at work who has been trying to have a 2nd baby for the last 2 years. his lovely wife has endured 5 miscarriages in those 2 years. also, my dear friend jen, has been unable to carry a baby, and has had to have a hystorectomy, so will never be able to. even though she has an adopted daughter (who is ALL hers) she can't give birth to one. and here we are, pregnant, by accident. how do you explain this? why me, and not them. don't get me wrong, i'm not complaining. i'm just saying, it doesn't make sense to the human mind.

all of my life, i've heard things like "if God is so good, why does He let bad things happen to good people?".

well, the only thoughts i have are these. we live in a fallen world. there will be pain. there will be heartache. death, sickness, disappointments. the bible tells us that God sends rain on the just and the unjust.

you see, God never promised to keep us from pain and dissappointment. in fact He promised in his word "many are the afflictions of the righteous" (bet you won't find that in your bible promises booklet) but he also said "but the Lord will deliver them from them all". i would rather have 1,000,000 afflictions with God's deliverance than to have 1 to deal with on my own.

if you've never heard it before, i suggest that you listen to Natalie Grant's song "held". if your hurting, there is healing in it for you. it says, "when everything fails, we'll be held"

sometimes, if you're honest, when you're hurting, all you really want is to be held while you cry.

thank God for arms to hold us. i know that i've been cradled in them alot lately. and ya know, there is room for you here too.

much love

theoldmusicbox